How to Process Emotions
Feel your feelings! Process your emotions. Have you heard those calls to action at any low points in your life and especially now as we navigate global uncertainty? I sure have. If you’re anything like me, you hear that and think, “Okay, but what does that mean and how does one do that exactly?”
To wrap my mind around how to do anything, I get an understanding of basic concepts and build from there. To understand emotions and feelings, it made sense to define what they are and what I learned surprised me. Although we think of them as one in the same and use both words interchangeably, did you know that when it comes to our brains and bodies, they are actually very different?
Emotions are physiological, physical, sensory experiences in the body. They develop in the limbic part of our brains, also known as the “emotional brain,” to prepare us for action. Think of emotions as “inner motions” or “energy-in-motion” that is wired for threat or reward and activated by our environment, thoughts and memories. Do you remember the last time you were really scared and how your heart raced, mouth felt chalk-dry and eyes opened really wide? Those reactions were your emotions which are instinctive, responsive and always occurring whether we are conscious of them or not.
As emotions arise, our brains flood our bodies with hormones and neurochemicals such as epinephrine to raise our heart rate when we feel threatened (fight or flight response) and endorphins (rewarding, stress-relieving hormones) when we bite into our favorite dessert. These examples exhibit how objective emotions are, as we can measure them via calculations like blood pressure, salt content in our sweat, cortisol levels, body language and more. The automation, speed and flow of all these processes is nothing short of miraculous to me. Our bodies are simply amazing and so complex.
Feelings, on the other hand, are experiences of the mind and develop in the logical, analyzing part of our brains called the pre-frontal cortex (PFC). Feelings occur after the physiological responses in our bodies are stimulated by emotions. They are subjective and provide context to our environment, thoughts and memories based on our personal histories, belief systems, and habits.
Our emotional responses and feelings tied to them transpire in milliseconds at lightning fast speeds. For an idea of how they work together picture Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. (If you haven’t seen the movie, google “the revenant bear scene” to paint a picture of where I’m going.) Now, imagine yourself face-to-face with a 1,700 pound grizzly bear. Without notice, your limbic system has already activated a fear response throughout your entire being. Then, within seconds, your PFC starts providing context that you are standing in a zoo, and the bear is behind a thick 20 foot pane of glass and therefore, cannot harm you. Only then, will your body begin to relax as feelings of curiosity and wonder commence. That is unless, you believe animals should live in the wild within their natural habitats and never be caged. In that case, feelings of bitterness and upset may rise within you. In the same vein, the global pandemic we are facing has activated your fear response, too. What context is your PFC providing to influence your thoughts and feelings?
We all experience the same emotions, but our feelings are vastly varied. My goal is to help us understand and accept the way our bodies are designed to function and then provide tools, resources and support we can utilize to manage and align ourselves towards our greater good, health and success.
To start your emotional process, begin with the end in mind and define your end goal.
Are there goals you dream of achieving? Even in times of chaos, devastation and unpredictability, it’s important to have a dream. In fact, it’s grounding and strategic to do so. Do you want inner peace? Are you searching for your purpose? Or, is your desire to feel your best and in turn, give the best of yourself in your personal and professional relationships? Identify your end goal then declare it, say it out loud and write it down. Repetitively putting voice to your desire and writing it down literally rewires your brain and creates imprints called neural pathways. An exercise to strengthen your neural pathways and increase your probability for success is to write down your new beliefs and what you want twice per day. Doing so transforms your nerves and muscle connections so that your nervous system can accept and receive the new experiences you are empowering yourself to believe.
The second step consists of strengthening your awareness and you can do this through mindfulness practices.
There are many myths about mindfulness being a cure-all, conflicting with certain religions or that you must be completely still and have lots of free time to practice it. However, only 5 to 15 minutes of mindful awareness a day can create significant improvements in your physical, emotional and mental well-being. Mindfulness, in simple terms, can be any activity that strengthens your internal control and enables you to connect with your own thoughts, emotions and physical sensations. This is vital in times of crisis or when we seek to achieve a goal because we tend to look outside of ourselves for information, answers and comfort. Mindfulness enhances our ability to observe a wide range of stimuli without judgement, including our own internal sensations as well as external factors outside of our bodies (like the news, social media influences, friends, family, etc.). Developing the skill of observation without judgement strengthens our internal resolve and ability to make choices aligned with our dreams and desired outcomes instead of responding from an emotional state, physical sensations or feelings that are out of alignment.
To experiment with mindfulness, try the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise. It helps you tune into your five senses as you notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. Customize it to the way you are naturally designed. If you’re a busy body who dreads the thought of sitting still, practice the exercise while you’re folding clothes, out on a walk, or eating. If the idea of being still feels comfortable to you, do the exercise while sitting alone and take deep breaths in and out.
In the third step, we name it to tame it. An essential aspect of processing emotions is to label our feelings.
That sounds easy enough, however, when asked to list emotions, most people can only name five to ten. Yet, the English language has more than 4,000 words for feelings and I’d be willing to bet, if you took a moment to think about it, you’ve felt around that many throughout your lifetime without being aware of it.
The unknown is scary and naming your feelings is a power move. As long as your feelings are unknown and unnamed, it’s like they have your name, number and address (and know how to get to you), but you don’t have theirs. Once you name a feeling, you own it and can then, decide what to do with it. Studies show how clearly identifying our feelings reduces stress and counterbalances emotional responses by neutralizing fear impulses in our brain. Try to push beyond, “I feel good” or “I feel bad.” Does good feel light, energizing, or giddy? Does bad feel hurt, exhausted, or frightened? Experiment with different feeling words and call out any sensations you feel in your body as you do so. From there, you are better equipped to practice self-management and self-control, which are essential executive brain functions that are highly necessary when navigating high-stress and uncertainty. This extensive list of feelings compiled by Byron Katie is a great resource to work with. If that feels overwhelming, start with the shorter list in my free Emotional Support Guide and work your way up from there, if necessary.
Also, keep in mind, that this exercise may be more challenging than it seems as many people answer the question of “How do you feel?” by describing actions and never once mention a feeling word. When a group of test subjects were asked, “How would you feel if you looked up to see a truck coming straight at you at 80 mph?” Some answered, “I would feel terrified!” Which is an example of a feeling-based response. Others said, “I’d get out of the way!” Which is an action-based response. While getting out of the way would keep a person alive, that’s not what the question asked and it shows how automatically people go into action mode when processing our feelings is what’s needed first. Begin to notice how you answer questions about how you feel. Do you list off what you did that day or talk about how you felt as you did certain things throughout the day? There’s a big difference.
Step number four— do nothing OR transmute the energy through self-care.
Sometimes, just naming your feeling, acknowledging it without judgment and being with it until it passes is enough to get yourself to the other side of it. Neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor says a feeling lasts about 90 seconds and then it passes. The problem is we rarely take even that short amount of time to allow feelings to pass as they are designed to. Or, we are in such a state of unawareness and disconnect that we trigger the same feeling cycles on an unending loop by remaining in environments, relationships, habits and belief systems that do us no good.
Also, consider our hyper performance oriented culture and the ways action is valued as a measure of worth. If we’re not going, going and doing, doing, we may feel judged and even harshly judge ourselves. There’s nothing like a global pandemic that forces the world to shut down to make you focus on essentials only and reassess the value you place on doing rather than simply being. Like me, the job you worked for years may have been eliminated. But understand, going to a job is not a measure of your worth. If you have not done so already, now is the time to adapt the new, empowering belief that going and doing are not true measures of your worth. Being is. You are worthy just for being. And being sad, annoyed, or any feeling you identify is valid and worthy to be felt and processed in healthy ways.
As your awareness practice leads you to view your feelings from a place of nonjudgement, it will become easier to release the belief that emotions are problems to be avoided, downplayed or ignored and accept your emotions and feelings as sources of information that serve your needs and goals. Information we familiarize ourselves with becomes knowledge and when put to action, grows into power. Your emotions and feelings are not a source of weakness, they are your power. How will you use that power for good?
In addition to emotions and feelings providing valuable information to you, consider them as energy. From an energetics standpoint, energy is neither created nor destroyed. It just is. It is your choice to transmute it into another form that aligns with goals you set at the onset of processing your emotions. Maybe something physical like a good cry, a primal yell from your gut, or punching a pillow may be a first step in expressing a deeply felt emotion.
Other healthy practices to transmute energy through self-care are:
Prayer, meditation and breath work.
Drink enough water, eat healthy, life-giving foods, and get enough rest and sleep.
Take detoxifying epsom salt baths.
Move your body and exercise. Yoga and stretching are shown to be particularly helpful in the emotional process. In fact, consider movement as an act of literally shaking stress off as fellow mammals do in the animal kingdom. Can you remember the last time you watched a National Geographic chase between a predator and its prey? Both animals raced at top speeds but somehow, some way, the prey escaped, then took a beat to instinctively shake its whole body before moving on as if nothing happened. That movement speaks to the instinctual need to physically release stress and fear from the body. As mammals, it’s vital for humans to help ourselves by doing the same.
Another healthy way to move and process emotions is by having a good ole temper tantrum (safely)! There is a powerful method Christine Hassler practices that helped me have some breakthroughs.
As you may have noticed by now, caring for our bodies directly connects to processing our emotions. Our culture tends to look at body, mind, and soul through separate lenses but they are profoundly interconnected and essentially one. The key is to care for your body with the intention to process emotions felt in your mind and soul. Understand the interconnection and recognize that to heal one, you heal the others. In this sense, self-care is the essence of integrated healthcare on an individual level.
In addition to individually oriented self-care practices, also consider employing the help of a healing arts professional. When bringing others into your self-care work, remember that safety and empathy are key. The environment and practitioner should feel safe to you and express a level of empathy necessary for you to be vulnerable and feel understood. It’s okay, to meet with more than one option as you find the fit that’s right for you.
Reiki, acupuncture, and massage therapy are all modalities I utilize to release, heal and move energy for my well-being. I’ve also hired therapists and coaches who have helped me make profound shifts in my mental, emotional and physical well-being. There are many, many specialties from equine, art, adventure-based, EFT, EMDR, somatic, Cognitive Behavioral, Hypnotherapy, NLP, Trauma-informed, Neuroscience-based, you name it. There is a therapeutic modality out there for you and your unique needs and you can discover it by beginning to process your emotions.
I understand that even the thought of processing emotions can feel scary. It helps to identify someone who provides a healthy example of emotional wellness and let that person be a motivator for you. It can be someone who shares a similar background, culture, or circumstances you relate to on social media, a celebrity or someone in your circle or community. As you process emotions, it also helps to have support from someone empathetic you can trust. With motivation and support in place, you can allow what comes up to guide you to exactly what you need.
Take note of cycles and patterns of disappointments in your life or a pattern interrupt that causes an abrupt change to identify when emotional processing is warranted. What has it been for you? For me, COVID-19 interrupted my healthy patterns and triggered unhealthy ones I thought were retired. It reminded me that emotional processing is a normal part of living a healthy life and not a one-time or one-season event. Since I already had habits and a system of support in place, I was able to quickly enlist them to regulate my emotions in the midst of this pandemic. In the ups and downs of life, emotional regulation via processing helps me experience higher highs and higher lows and I count that as a blessing.
Your own journey will begin with your awareness and end with you reaching your goals and living your dreams. You can’t do this wrong. The way you process emotions is unique to you and sacred. If you acknowledge that you need to, yet remain in the same state, say you don’t have time, or that it’s not necessary, you are accepting options that undervalue your health and humanity. Today, right now, take a chance, and get the support you need to take one step in the process after the other. You can do it. You are worth it and will be much better for it.
Processing emotions seems like a lot, huh? Well, you don’t have to do it all alone. For support in learning simple, practical, effective ways to regulate your emotions, schedule a discovery call with me. Also, take a moment to answer a few, quick questions and I’ll send you information about a resource I’m developing. For healthy tips you can use right now, download my free Emotional Support Guide.
Keshawn Hughes is a strategic communicator, wellness advocate and neuroscience enthusiast. She helps individuals and organizations improve their lives and business outcomes by providing practical methods and data-based principles along with lessons from her own personal and professional development journey. Learn more about Keshawn and ways to optimize your life at keshawnhughes.com.