What’s a perfectionist to do?

Has anyone ever described your life as perfect? Do you strive to be as flawless as possible? Are you the happy one, always positive or known as “sunshine and rainbows”? Have you ever been the strong friend or family member nobody checks on because you seemingly always have it together? Well, these descriptions may stem from perfectionism and you may be able to relate. As a recovering perfectionist myself, I get it. It was a badge I wore with pride and built a wedding and event planning business on. That is until I recognized how exhausted and lonely I felt. On top of that, I didn’t feel physically healthy. I kept hitting a wall where I was doing everything “right” and showing up, but I felt empty and confused about why people didn’t agree or seem to care about my efforts. Totally depleted and ready for answers, I set myself on a path to discover why.  

I don’t think I realized being perfectionistic or even deeply caring and protective about choices I made and how I presented myself and my life were in the way of me fully living it. I learned that there are reasons for one’s drive toward perfectionism. Some people grew up in dysfunctional environments and developed perfectionism as a means of survival and to feel safe. Others may not have experienced any trauma but learned early in life that if they made perfect grades, excelled as a performer, leader or athlete, they would receive rewards and positive feedback. Those behaviors expressed in childhood and carried forth into adulthood can evolve and become an unhealthy driver for success and high achievement. Unhealthy because perfectionists may not carve out the time or even understand the importance of processing feelings and connecting on an emotional level. To perfectionists, it’s a high priority to ensure everything outside of themselves is on point and cared for like work, children, family, friends, community or even things related to more personal presentation like hair, makeup, wardrobe, vehicles, etc. Add to that, the cultural messages we receive like, “to whom much is given, much is required.” And, in our families as the “accomplished one” we have been told, “You’re smart, I never have to worry about you,” and in response to pain, in place of empathy you hear silence or only, “You will be fine.” For many reasons, expressing frustrations to those close to us may not fully bring comfort. And being seen as one who has all the answers or access to money and resources when there are people starving in the world with no health insurance may be labeled as complaining.

So, I ask you, what’s a perfectionist to do? The answer may not be a quick fix and can take an indeterminable amount of time and focus to unlearn ways of being in order to feel more relaxed and supported while still achieving goals. Get ready to learn answers along a journey and not only once you arrive at a final destination. Before we embark, I want you to recognize that you have a choice. You always have a choice. To continue along the path you’re living or consider a new direction that will not only lead to outcomes important to you, but also expand your life in incredible ways.

Secondly, know that you do not have to do this alone. There are people who understand exactly what you are experiencing and will validate your thoughts, questions and feelings. They will help you get to the root of your perfectionism and offer solutions unique to you, your family and your lifestyle. These people are counselors and coaches. Yes, both might give you pause or even make you want to stop reading any further. Because you can fix this yourself, right? As a person with perfectionistic tendencies, that may be your knee jerk response. Or you may rely on your spiritual practice or other outlets deemed more acceptable to lay your burdens down. Well, I challenge you to consider it. Even the most high-achieving athletes, business professionals, and yes, even spiritual leaders of our time have counselors and coaches. Why not you? Give yourself the opportunity to experience life differently. It can be better.

Finally, consider this—the antidote to perfectionism is authenticity. Being authentic looks and feels different on everybody. As you begin living more authentically, it may feel a bit unfamiliar to you and people who have known you for a while may not fully understand or accept the changes that are bound to occur. Keep going. Nobody is “perfect” at being authentic and that’s what will help you the most. I challenge you—perfectionist—to discover authenticity for yourself. Authenticity resonates and as you live it, you will find that a life you may have never imagined is possible. One where you feel connected, healthy, supported and leave your badge of perfectionism behind for good.

Keshawn Hughes is a strategic communicator, wellness advocate and neuroscience enthusiast. She helps individuals and organizations improve their lives and business outcomes by providing practical methods and data-based principles along with lessons from her own personal and professional development journey. Learn more about Keshawn and ways to optimize your life at keshawnhughes.com.

What is perfectionism? I describe it as “an anxious preoccupation or obsession with things outside of or associated with oneself”. How do you describe it?